Here is some of how it feels to be a single women,
Being looked at and perceived as some kind of half-a-life. Something incomplete. Something less.
My parents getting comments saying that they brought up a spoilt-coddled girl.
I am told that I am being stubborn – that I should settle and I should compromise.
I must not take a break from this taxing ‘dating’ scene – I cannot afford it because the time is running out.
I cannot be okay with being ‘not-married’. I am expected to be sad and may be even suffer the fact that I am single.
If I do not show signs of suffering, then that means I am selfish/lazy and do not care enough about finding me a man.
If I do show some anger, then there are people ready to jump in and advice me, asking me to compromise.
That I am basically living my life wrong. That somehow I cannot make decisions, even though I am a grown adult.
That I am sad. Just sad. Single means sad.
Basically a non-existent mother-daughter relationship.
Constantly getting reminded of the mortal nature of my parents – that they are old. And that soon enough I might be ‘alone-alone’. That means with ‘no-family’. I am an adult, and I know way too well that they(we) are mortals. But I think, no one should be constantly reminded of that.
If that is not worse enough, I have been made to feel that I might be the reason that something may happen to their health. Living with that fear and guilt for long enough now.
Being made to doubt my own decisions and inner voice.
Being made to think that others know better for/about me than I do for/about myself.
If I am having a bad day, or feeling low sometimes, I do not go to my family. It has been years since I have done that. It is either friends or I pick myself up.
I feel pitied even writing the previous sentence. Pitied. That somehow it is pitiful to have a bad day as a single women/person.
Being asked, ‘Oh, you look so happy, whom are you dating?!’
Being asked, ‘Oh, you look pretty today, are you going to see someone special?!’
Being asked, ‘Why aren’t you dating?’
Being asked, ‘If I am physically flawed, and that is why I cannot be in a relationship’
Being called sensitive, because, well, I sometimes react.
Being called defensive, because I want to protect myself.
A feeling that my whole existence is reduced to this one thing.
Being asked to prioritise this one thing over everything else.
Being told that, falling in love is not an option anymore. Because it is too late.
Never felt lonely when I am alone. But I have felt lonely when being surrounded by family.
There is more. But none of these are worse. What is worse is being invalidated, not even by others. By now, it has terrifyingly become an inner voice. That how/what I am feeling need not necessarily be true. That everyone is only looking out for me and all of this is only in my head.
And somehow.. I am the problem.. yea.. ‘It’s me, Hi! I’m the problem, it’s me!!’
(P.S: If you do not know, it is the lyrics of the song ‘Aunty-Hero’ from Taylor Swift 😉 )